A Note From the Founder/Editorial Director: Oh Em Gee. does not normally post about sports, due to them being the worst. But their inexplicable popularity does not seem to be waning, so to please the masses who like this sort of thing, I have asked our Senior Art/Sports/Words Editrix to write a tasteful little essay on the bangability of the various quartered-backs in the Nationalized Footballing League.
I am a lady who watches football. And because of the horrendous affliction I have called heterosexuality (Men Are Disgusting), I find myself peepin extra hard at the QBs. Football quarterbacks come in all shapes and sizes...of nerds. Here I've featured the hottest and nottest of current NFL QBs.
Note: Tom Brady did NOT make this list.
Fucking. Ew. Also ugh, The Patriots. Anyway I'm just bringing him up to let you know he did not make the list. He sucks. Ok here we go!
5. Tim Tebow. Denver Broncos.
Tim Tebow is a Jesus freak. He starred in a really lol pro-life ad during the Super Bowl last year with his mom:
Also he writes bible passages on his football war paint. Sometimes he cries.
He's just a sensitive, Lord-praising, lovable juicehead goofball virgin (he is saving himself for our wedding night) and he's totes cute in the face.
4. Cam Newton. Carolina Panthers.
Cam Newton I could just eat you up.
Look. At. That. Smile.
Luv u Cammy
3. Sam Bradford. St. Louis Rams.
I barely even know who this guy is but he is so adorable. Look at his lil teef! And his messy hair!
He's 1/16th Cherokee, that is fucking adorable!! 1/16th, you guys. My lil' Cherokee.
2. Ryan Fitzpatrick. Buffalo Bills. I could settle down with Ryan Fitzpatrick.
I want to start a fire and go fishing with Ryan Fitzpatrick.
I'm gonna go ahead and admit most of this is beard. But what a lush honey brown beard it is.
1. Mark Sanchez. NY Jets. Look at this beautiful man and his cute little noodle arms.
I will excuse pictures of Mark Sanchez like this:
for the pictures of Mark Sanchez like this:
Check this FUCKING ADORABLE collage his nephew made: Love you tio Mark!
A 17-year-old girl took that pic inside his apartment after she presumably gave him a blowie (IT'S LEGAL IN NEW JERSEY OK). REGARDLESS, I would def lick all the moles right off his scruffy Mexican-American face. [Ed. note: This sounds rapey to me. The 17-year-old thing, I mean. The mole-licking is gross but legal.]
Ugliest. This was difficult because "goofy" is the word I would use for pretty much every quarterback. It's when goofy mixes with ugly that you get the following list:
5. Drew Brees. New Orleans Saints.
Drew Brees and The Saints won the Superbowl in 2010, which is Wow, Great! But Drew, let's be real here, what is with your hair. Your combover looks SO STRINGY when you get all sweaty. Stringy is like, the worst hair adjective. Get a damn haircut, it might help your face. Maybe. Probably not.
4. Eli Manning. New York Giants. Eli Manning looks like a 15 year old who wears light wash carpenter jeans from Old Navy and plays Zelda all day long. [Ed. note: I see a distinct Zuckerberg thing happening in this nerd's face area.]
He led the Giants to a Super Bowl victory against the undefeated Patriots in 2008 (epic burn suck on that Brady), but I think we should congratulate him more for losing his virginity and his acne clearing up.
3. Kyle Orton. Chicago Bears.
I just, cannot.
2. Peyton Manning. Indianapolis Colts. Peyton Manning looks like an uglier version of The Situation from MTV's The Jersey Shore (The Situation is ugly).
Peyton has inherited the same doof face and smushy nose as his brother Eli.
Technically he's out for the season now with some neck injury (I guess that tree trunk holding up his head gets in the way), but he's there on the sidelines every game grimacing.
Not a good look, Pey!
1. Ben Roethlisberger. Pittsburgh Steelers.
Ben Roethlisberger rapes women.
Blah blah innocent until proven guilty blah blah RAPELISBERGER
Coincidentally your fat fucking face matches your ugly rapist soul. Fuck you.