So I'm kind of watching this game because I feel like I'm expected to give a shit. But I really, really don't, so it's on in the background while I mostly read celebrity gossip online. Did you guys know that Shia Laboeuf drinks one of those big Arizona iced tea things every morning? You probably missed that while watching some gay football game.
I turned my attention to the game after the second quarter, because I'd been told there would be some kind of craaaazy 3D experiment during halftime. I was sorely disappointed.
I went to the supermarket like half an hour before the game started to pick up some arugula and lean ground turkey, which was awkward in itself because I was surrounded by big dudes stocking up on Doritos and pre-made fried chicken wings who were giving me uncomfortable looks. At the checkout, the dude ticking off my items asked if I wanted some glasses for the halftime show. Just to be nice, I said sure, why not, and he handed me FIVE 3D glasses.
Can I just say for a second that it's cool and all that 3D is getting more popular, but that it really feels like by now we should have moved beyond arts-and-crafts-style glasses made of multicolored saran wrap and cardboard? Why can't some scientists fix it so it's just 3D without making us look like a country of fools for half an hour?
Anyway, I took the glasses and sat through (read: looked at funny .gifs of Britney Spears online) the first half, and guess what, I was too distracted to catch whatever 3D nonsense I was supposed to be watching. But I did see Bruce Springsteen's halftime performance.
That guy has got to have the best ratio of exciting performer to boring songs in the history of the world. He was so into it but his songs were more tame than the Puppy Bowl. The guy rocked out like the Sex Pistols while playing music Tipper Gore would find a little bit dull.
Look at the crotch action on this guy:
But the Boss wasn't satisfied with only one embarrassing phallic incident in the performance. He's a rock star, dammit, and it's his right to shove his crotch directly into a camera's lens, which in turn means shoving his crotch all up into America's collective grill:
Prince, who performed at the halftime show two years ago, would not approve.